Get me outta here!

As of tomorrow, I will have been inside my mom’s belly, in one form or another, for exactly 40 weeks. Four-zero. If you're scoring at home, that’s 280 days in a space no bigger than a basketball, with no light, and I’ve been upside down for a good portion of it. I’d like to see David Blaine pull off something like that.

Not that it’s been completely unbearable. Mom takes good care of me by eating well, taking her vitamins and getting plenty of rest. Dad pitches in by pretty much doing whatever Mom asks him to do. They also talk to me regularly, so I've never felt lonely. All in all, it’s been a pretty decent nine months.

But as warm and cozy as it is in here, things are starting to get a bit cramped – not to mention a little boring. It’s not like I have any books to read to pass the time, and I’m assuming crocheting would not be welcomed kindly by Mom in these increasingly tight quarters we share. Thank goodness for Wi-Fi, or I’d have gone completely stir-crazy months ago.

As such, I think it goes without saying that I’m ready to get the heck out of here. Or, in the words of the immortal Bon Scott, I’m gonna make a jailbreak. Come to find out, my parents can help out in this regard, because there are plenty of things Mom can do to kick-start labor. Dad did a half-assed (like everything he does) survey of some friends and family members, and he found out some of the tried-and-true methods. This includes:

n  Walking. This must really work, because half of the people who offered suggestions came up with this.

n  Eating spicy foods.

n  Driving over bumpy roads. Not cool, people.

n  Having sex. Ugh, isn’t that how I got into this situation in the first place?

n  Bowling.

n  Horseback riding.

n  Riding a motorcycle.

n  Eating the Prego Pizza.

n  Watching something funny, like a stand-up comedian, and then laughing. A lot.

n  Drinking castor oil. Why, you ask? I’ll let the good people of “What to Expect” explain: “If you take a shot of it, it can stimulate your bowels (by causing spasms in the intestines) and, in turn, irritate your uterus and cause it to start contracting. The downside: If you’re not already showing signs of labor, taking castor oil can just give you a bad case of diarrhea.” My Uncle Brian came up with this one. I’m not sure about that guy.

As unpleasant as some of those seem, I’m willing to deal with anything if it ends up working. So, Mom and Dad – if you’re reading this, get to work! Except the castor oil thing.

Besides, it's in my parents' best interest for me to arrive sooner rather than later. Starting the night of Oct. 21, a major highway through Seattle will be closed for nine days, which means traffic between Mom and Dad’s house in West Seattle and our hospital downtown is going to be a nightmare. You know those scenes in disaster movies where everybody’s trying to get out of town before it gets hit by an asteroid/nuclear meltdown/mutant lizard monster/GOP convention? That’s pretty much what Seattle’s streets are going to look like. Dad is neurotic enough about traffic as it is. If Mom goes into labor after Oct. 21 and we have to deal with that, we might just lose him altogether.

Here's hoping my escape comes in the next two days!