Citius, Altius, Fortius, Poopius

I’ve made it through week one of my first Olympic Games viewing experience, and I must say, it's pretty compelling. The pageantry, the drama, the raw physical ability – it’s like watching “Toddlers & Tiaras,” only with more crying.

And with all the praise and adulation that these athletes get heaped upon them, it’s hard not to want to be in their shoes. But I realized that if I want to be up on that medal podium some day, I’d better get to work. I’ve seen enough of those gushy human-interest pieces on NBC to know that the key to Olympic glory is starting your training at a young age (I hear those Chinese gymnasts are given stretching exercises in the womb).

Imagine my surprise and delight when I discovered that, unbeknownst to me, I’ve already begun my training regimen. If the following photos are any indication, I’m well on my way to stardom in any number of Olympic events. In fact, it seems like the hardest task will be narrowing my considerable skills down to just one sport.

100m Dash

Basketball

Beach Volleyball

Equestrian

Fencing

Rhythmic Gymnastics

Swimming (the backstroke is my specialty)

Water Polo

Wrestling

I’m even well-prepared for the Opening Ceremonies and the medal ceremonies:

I’ll see you on the podium at the 2032 Games.