Earlier this month, I shared the news that Mom and Dad are having
another baby. Since then, they’ve been fielding all the same questions
from friends and family that everybody gets when they announce that
they’re having a second baby: “When is your due date?” “Is the pregnancy going
well?” “Do you have enough room in your house for two kids?” “How are you going
to pay for day care for two children?” “You’re having another kid already? Are
you insane?” “Is it a boy or a girl?” It’s like being interrogated by the world’s most boring detective.
I answered that first question last time – Mom is due on
Sept. 20. As for the rest of those questions, here are your answers:
Is the pregnancy going
well?
Yes, it’s going swimmingly. Mom’s doctors say that Baby
No. 2 is fit as a fiddle, and Mom is also doing great, although she gets
nauseated by roughly 97% of the scents known to man. My only complaint is that
Mom is quickly running out of lap room for me to sit on.
Uh, lady? This isn't working for me.
Do you have enough
room in your house for two kids?
As it turns out, no – unless we all want to bunk together,
Little-House-on-the-Prairie-style.
That’s why Mom and Dad sold our two-bedroom condo a month
ago and are now on the hunt for something bigger. In the meantime, we’re
staying at Ya-Ya and Grumps’ house in Redmond, kind of like…Little
House on the Prairie. Go figure.
It’s actually pretty fantastic. I get to spend a lot of
time with my grandparents, and I spend pretty much every waking hour of every
weekend playing in their gigantic backyard. Good luck trying to measure up to
that when you buy a new house, Mom and Dad.
How are you going
to pay for day care for two children?
I don’t know. Not my problem.
[Editor’s note: We’ll
be just fine. On a completely unrelated topic, can I have some money?]
You’re having
another kid already? Are you insane?
Yes. Yes, they are. I like to think that the three of us
have settled into a lovely little rut routine with each other. We know
how to handle each of our particular quirks and foibles, how to neutralize
somebody (usually Dad) who’s throwing a tantrum. I have no idea why they’d want
to disrupt the delicate ecosystem that we’ve established. Then again, babies are pretty cute.
Is it a boy or a
girl?
Ah, here’s the $64,000 question. Everybody just has to know this one, and it makes no
sense to me. I mean, we live in a world where people get upset if you mention
one tiny plot point from a single “Game of Thrones” episode that they haven’t
seen yet, but when it comes to Mother Nature’s ultimate spoiler alert, you can’t
spill the beans fast enough.
Well, fine. You want to know? I’ll tell you. It’s a girl.
I’m going to have a little sister. Someone to mold in my own image. Someone to
groom as my partner-in-crime as we manipulate our dad into indulging our every whim.
Someone to taunt mercilessly because I feel like it. Should be fun!
Of course, the answer to that question leads to the
inevitable follow-up question:
Are you
disappointed that you didn’t have a boy?
I know I’m not disappointed. Boys are pretty disgusting. There’s
one boy at my day care who smells like rotten milk and has permanent snot crust embedded on his
upper lip. And I hear they only get worse as they get older.
[Editor’s note:
Speaking for myself, I’m not the slightest bit disappointed. If there’s one
thing I’ve learned in my 19 whole months as a dad, it’s that raising a little
girl is pretty much the coolest thing ever. For the sake of symmetry and all
that, it would’ve been fun to have one boy and one girl, but if this is
considered a consolation prize, I’ll take it in a heartbeat. Besides, any dad
who complains that he can’t go out and have a catch with his daughter deserves
a kick to the junk, because he just isn’t trying hard enough.]
Room for one more?
Room for one more?
Do you have a name
picked out?
Geez, you people. Get a hobby.
